I have talent envy. I see so many people who are good at so many things. Photography, cooking, being a housewife, breastfeeding, laboring, farming, crafting, scrapbooking, writing, making friends. So many talents….I have not that many. Tonight I sat here and said to myself…so what the hell is my talent. Then, my two year old said “hey, watch this” and threw something into his ball pit then said “jump jump jump” as he jumped up and down and then said “yay, woo woo”. That is what I am good at.
I am really boss at being a mom. I am really good at laughing with my children, at telling them I love them with all my heart, at guiding them down the right path. I am really good at making the decisions that are best for them, and not best for me. I really rock at sacrificing what I need to sacrifice for the betterment of my kids.
I became pregnant at 17. At the age of 17, I immediately knew that it wasn’t my life anymore, it was that little babies life. It was about her, and what she needed and what would help her, and I would make sure to squeeze some Mindi in there along the way. I knew at the age of 18, after giving birth, that this is what I was put on this earth to do. I was put here to be a mom, to be a wife, and to be a helper. I was put here to put the pieces back in people’s lives that they had lost along the road somewhere.
I dont want to do something selfish with my life. I dont want to work in corporate America making thousands and thousands of dollars. I want to work in the trenches, where I can hardly scrub the stench of the struggling population off me. I want to have a farm, where I am solely responsible for my families well-being. It would be nice to have other people living in the community to help me, but I want to be the one to take care of us. I want my girls to look back at me when I die, and say that mom cared about other people. That I was giving, and kind, and loving, and a role model. I want them to be PROUD of who I am.
I have pretty easy pregnancies, but labor for me is usually a multiple day affair. Its the most horrific thing I go through in my life, but its all worth it at the end. I have often thought of being a surrogate. Ironically as much as I want to help people, I will only be a surrogate for about 7 people. I am very picky about who I would give a child to in this world. 4 out of those 7 have already proved to be able to have children. Two of those 7 have proven to have a difficult time carrying to term or, have a difficult time conceiving.
The one thing in this world I think all people should experience at least for a day is the absolute love of a child. The love of a two year old after you snatch your phone away and tell him no, and he still comes back to kiss you. The love of a one year old who falls down and cries when you leave, but greets you with complete forgiveness when you come home. The love of a seven year old who tells you that you look beautiful today and she just loves you so much. The love of a 5 year old, who silently slips her hand in yours when she sees you start to panic from the anxiety. I think that the kind of love a child can show someone is complete grace.
Sometimes, I wish I had a tangible talent, like photography, or knitting, but at the end of the night, I will take my crazy two year old climbing into bed with me while his daddy is in the living room any day of the week….